Week 9 Recap,

The Another terribly low scoring week, and if it weren't for the byes I'd say that the NFL this year has something of an offense problem.  Hell, even so I'd say it does.  How many good offenses are there in the NFL, much less ones sustaining players well enough to be consistent impacts in fantasy football? Chiefs, Patriots, Steelers, Seahawks, Rams, Cowboys, Eagles, Saints, Falcons (maybe), and Lions.  That's the only ones I can truly believe off the top of my head, and even a couple of those are iffy.  Of course many other teams have players that are mostly consistent, but I'm seriously wondering if the days of having super consistent 10+ players in every slot are over.  Maybe they never actually existed.  But if you want more proof you don't have to look much further than the scores this week.  5 teams under 100 points, a high score of 147, and a lot of 120-135s.  I'm not complaining cause I'm winning, but you know, I miss some of those ridiculously high scores.  

TOP 5

QB

1. Carson Wentz (231 points)
• Dude just beat down the Donkeys, so I'm a fan.  Eagles said naw to the no-fly zone because they're Eagles and god made them free like Americans.  He's on his bye now, but even in his bye week he'll still be free, majestically gracing our country.
2. Alex Smith (216 points)
• What really gets lost in all the drama that the NFL has become is that the Redskins aren't the only racist team in the sport.  No, we have the Chiefs (and some would argue the Dolphins, I will not).  In charge of the Chiefs team is one code named "Walrus" and some Mormon white supremacist named Alex Smith (son of John Smith last I heard).  He's clearly number two through nefarious means, and my intel shows this week he's laying low in some seedy BBQ shack West of the Mississippi.
3. Russell Wilson (207 points)
• Remember when Russ and Kaep were both in a Madden commercial?  Neither do Seahawks fans, as they were still in diapers when that happened.  My guess is Russ wouldn't remember either as every time he gets hit in the head instead of seeking medical attention he just chugs a Miracle Water and thinks about Ciara's Goodies and then goes out and gets hit in the head again.  
4. Deshaun Watson (203 points)
• 
  
5. Dakota Prescott (203 points)
• The only thing more insulting then this current Cowboys team is the fact that America bought John Wayne as a real cowboy in a fake setting enough times that his spoiled ass became the caricature of what was truly a hard and courageous archetype of the early American West.  John Wayne probably didn't even know how to ride a horse.

RB

1. Todd Gurley II (179 points)
• The Rams were the third most watched show in LA, right after Law and Order SVU and Perry Mason reruns.  The anonymity of being a LA running back is really what fuels Gurley.
2. Kareem Hunt (171 points)
• At first "Walrus" was happy to show off his RB, it made his organization seem friendly and accepting of diversity, but as time has worn on Hunt's usage has dwindled. Coincidence?  No way, Ancient Aliens.
3. Ezekiel Elliott (164 points)
• Is he pretending to get fed after every play that he's ever ran?  Or is he winding up for the next imaginary punch to his SO.  I admit, that's going too far, just like all his suspension drama has been.
4. Le'Veon Bell (153 points)
• Fresh off a bye week and 7 joints (that's 1 per day off) Bell will once again grace us with his presence and out undo stress onto his coworkers at Dairy Queen when he once again calls out sick on Sunday.
5. Melvin Gordon (146 points)
• Repeat what I said about Gurley and then make it more sad because he plays for the Chargers.

WR

1. Deandre Hopkins (164 points)
• I don't know what's more awesome about Hopkins, the fact that he can actually catch something from Tom Savage or the fact that his nickname Nuk is because he really liked Nuk brand pacifiers as a child.  Oh yeah I do.
2. Antonio Brown (156 points)
• Brown spent his bye week arguing with Big Ben about what makes up a pelvic thrust and how many pumps are too many, spoilers Big Ben won that argument.
3. Tyreek Hill (126 points)
• The only reason "Walrus" accepts this guy is because he finished his initiation in college by committing to a terrible franchise via DV.  That's not a joke, Tyreek is the worst.
4. Jarvis Landry (120 points)
• Jarvis Landry and Jay a Cutler is a more boring couple than William H Macy and Felicity Huffman.  Seriously though, it's because William H. Macy is a badass.
• 
5. Doug Baldwin/Larry Fitzgerald (119 points)
• To think Andrew could have had both and at the time we thought he made a good trade hahahaha.  Seriously though, they alright and Larry is like a college grad now so good for him, his life can truly take off.

TE

1. Travis Kelce (141 points)
• They call him Baby Gronk but only because "Walrus" recognized that Baby Trump was too obvious.
2. Zach Ertz (126 points)
• He literally Ertz now, get it?
3. Rob Gronkowski (112 points)
• I'm not making any jokes or inappropriate comments about Gronk.
4. Jack Doyle (99 points)
• I'll take a Brissett sandwich with some extra Doyle on top thank you.  
5. Evan Engram (97 points)
• He shares his initials with Ezekiel Elliott and Eli Emanning.  That's his best trait when asked in interviews.

IF THE PLAYOFFS BEGAN TODAY

1. Jared (1st round bye)
2. Nic (1st round bye)
3. Yuriy (vs Matt)
4. Ory (vs Jake)
5. Jake (vs Ory)
6. Matt (vs Jake)

That's right, Matt has snuck his way back into playoff contention.  Jake too, and even 3 weeks ago that would have felt laughable.  During work today I did a bit of math, and figured out some interesting things I thought I would share about possible playoff spots.

• If Alex, Chris, Val, or Oscar lose 1 more game they cannot possibly win their division through wins alone. 
• Everyone will play their division rivals 1 more time, meaning only 1 team in each division can possibly lose out (not including ties). 
• Everyone except for D Smith can potentially win their division still through winning out (although you'd need some help).
• So D Smith, because your birthday was last night I've made a nice compiled list for you to gander at to help you figure out who you're rooting for.
• You need to win out for 6-7
• You need Yuriy to win each divisional week that isn't against you.
• Matt, Alex, and Andrew need to lose 3 out of 4.
• Val needs to beat Andrew and Matt, but lose the rest of his games.
• Jared and Ory have to win against Alex and Oscar.  Their game doesn't matter to you.
• Chris has to beat Jake then lose to Yuriy and yourself.
• But you cannot simply win your division through wins alone.

Good luck DSmith, for the rest of you just focus on winning for now or else you might be the next focus of this section.

GAME RECAPS

Christopher Cone versus Valeriy Shishkin

Chris:  nice win man, even with the surprise healthy scratch from Leo Four and the terrifying need to trust Eli Manning of all people, you did it.  You could have played Watson over a Hooper but eh, a wins a win and you pulled this one through.  Grate on beating down Val without your best player Tom Brady.

Val:  Ajayi and Murray are looking like a season long curse man.  You got the two RBs that you can't sit but you also can't reliably get points from.  You also happen to have Jones and Stills who are clearly only going to throw up points when you don't play them.  Can you trust Woods now?  With Cook and Ertz both on bye next week, what're you gonna do for a TE?  Are you gonna keep playing Dalton (don't do that to yourself).  Good luck dude.

Chris wins 94-89

Oscar Meyer versus Yuriy Yedinak

Dad:  that's the week I knew would happen with Peterson, Lynch and Parker all at once, I just didn't think it would take so long for it to happen.  That was a hugely solid week, and the only player that score under 10 for you was Ole Smokey John Brown.  Maclin is looking like a good pick up, and you bested the second best team in the league.  Now you need to make serious noise to make the playoffs so there is no off week for you, but this is a good start.

Yuriy: I won't lie to you and tell you I wasn't hoping for this, you've got a pretty darn good team and I needed you to drop a game for me to get a chance at that first round bye, and it happened.  Byes clearly hurt you as you had a serious week spot in your team starting right after M. Lee.  I'm glad Savage is still throwing to stupid Hawkins instead of a Fuller though :(. Anyway I know you're going to get Keenan and Melvin back so I'm not too excited nor worried if I'm you.

Oscar beats Yuriy 129-118.

Andrew Gomez versus Alex Gomez

The clash of the brothers leads to one of the lowest scoring games of the season.

Andrew:  you played Blair Walsh on his PTSD game, and you win.  GG.  Since Cook has been gone your RB situation is one step lower than hot garbage, and it's more like a smoldering dumpster fire.  I mean, CJ and Yeldon?  I had Yeldon all of last year and only started him once and that was before Leo Four got there.  Your TEs did pretty good, but man there's some problems there and I don't know if you can solve them quickly and easily.  

Alex:  Ingram is losing work to Kamara plain and simple.  Demaryius Thomas actually had a good game and you stilll lost under 100 points this week.  I recognize you've had a hard going this season,  good news is if you had played Samuel over Snead you would have won, feel great ruminating on that.

Andrew wins 93-89

Jake Yorke versus Jared Grube

Jake:  your QB situation really came to a head this week in the absolute worst way possible.  If you haven't seen it yet I strongly recommend trying to find Winstons pregame warmup speech.  It's hilariously bad.  McCoy and Winston easily were what killed you and thrust you right back into the hunt with everyone else.  

Jared:  if it's not one thing it's another, and Wentz is really doing work for you.  At this point if Elliott is suspended he's going to miss the playoffs, and that might really hurt with Hunt becoming mortal once again.  You win but that Julio drop most really hurt, he just can't be elite even if he wants to.  Other than that I don't know what to tell you, you know what you have in these guys and the surprises that you'll get week to week.

Jared wins 134-112.

Matt Burke versus Orest Yaslinskiy 

Matt:  well I guess Goff filled in nicely for Watson eh?  You seem to be pretty damn good at picking out the QB on the wire to play, but was this a product of the randomly large TY Hilton game or was this the product of a team that's ready to make a run at the playoffs?  I won't deny that you can win, you've done it, but I will say I'm a bit doubtful of the consistency your team might have.  

Ory:  anything TB touched died, and it died hard.  That was a pretty rough game for your squad, and Evans is gonna suffer from it twice now it appears.  ASJ got another TD stolen from him, but at least you didn't play J-Stew.  You've got a pretty good squad, and this might be your worst bye week so there's a cushion built .

Matt wins 147-93.

Nic Meyer versus Daniel Smith

Nic: 🍻🗣🥊

Daniel:  happy belated birthday dude!!!  I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, if Forte had been in your lineup you would have won.  Instead I'm gonna be happy about my good fortune.  That 1pm game block when you were down 50 was ridiculous though and by far my least favorite feeling in fantasy, watching a lead wither away.  In other news, you probably also could have won if Hyde and Green didn't get themselves ejected.  I had a lot going for me. 

Nic wins 135-125

POWER RANKINGS

1.  Yuriy Yedinak (6-3 1163 PF) (previously 1)

2. Nic Meyer (7-2 1162 PF) (previously 3)

3. Jared Grube (7-1-1 1202 PF) (previously 2)

4. Matt Burke (4-5 1068 PF) (previously 8)

5. Orest Yaslinskiy (5-4 1066 PF) (previously 4)

6. Jake Yorke (4-5 1101 PF) (previously 5)

7. Andrew Gomez (4-5 1058 PF) (previously 7)

8. Alex Gomez (4-5 973 PF) (previously 6)

9. Chris Cone (3-6 1020 PF) (previously 10)

10. Oscar Meyer (4-5 948 PF) (previously 12)

11. Daniel Smith (2-7 1095 PF) (previously 9)

12. Valeriy Shishkin (3-5-1 911 [NEVER FORGET] PF) (previously 12)

Best of luck to you guys in week 10!