I’m writing this on my phone because I forgot my laptop at work. I’m currently at the hospital with my brother. Not a whole lot to update you guys, he’s still in the medically induced coma but he’s breathing more on his own everyday. Thank you all for sending me thoughts/prayers/wishes. I do believe those are all the same thing. Thanks also to Nic who runs an awesome league. It’s really a privilege to play in this league and it’s a major positive in a bummer of a time for me in life right now.
Thanks guys. Y’all are great in life and some in fantasy football.
Okay now let’s talk some shit!!
Week 12 was the week when the jokers separated themselves from the real deals. I say themselves because you really have no one else to blame besides your poor selection, poor roster management, and injuries. Ok the last one is not your fault and is probably the 1 reason why so many teams are just so Gawd awful. (Alex your team is awful but you some how just won’t die.) This Year will probably be known for Zekes suspension saga and injuries. Here are some numbers:
40% of all NFL rosters are currently injured (as of week 12)
50% of all starting Qb’s are currently injured (as of week 12)
30% of all starting running back are currently injured or serving jail time/suspension time. This number is actually down from last year thanks to Jamal Charles not being a starter this year.
50% of all starting wide receivers are currently injured or somewhere out on a boat with OBJ and the rest of the giants WR’s.
The above stats are all made up by the author. This is fake news.
Ok I might have fudged those numbers up a bit but I’m sure I’m not too far off because each one of us has been hit with a major injury or suspension.
All these injuries might also be the reason less people are tuning in to the games. (hmmmm 
This upcoming weeks starting Qb’s include:
Ryan (the brain) Fitzpatrick, Blain Gabbert, Geno Smith, Tom Savage and Brett Hundley. I’m at half mast just writing this. (I’m a lover of the backup Qb, my team sure plays like one.) I would not be surprised if Charlie Batch is still around somewhere...
To summarize: it’s been an absolute shit show with injuries this year.
Okay let’s move on to the fantasy football top performers as of week 12: (these numbers are accurate if you think espn is accurate.)
Top 3 Qb’s
1. Russel Wilson 255.3 points. Everyone doubted me when I used my 5th round pick (don’t quote me on this) on Wilson but I believed in him. The reason being is that he’s no longer having Christian Sex. Now he’s having full on skin to skin contact with occasional penetration. The inner freak is released and all of the sexual tension is gone. He’s a good football player now.
2. Carson Wentz 237.6 points. Not only is Wentz on Schedule to win this year's Best QB award.. er MVP award he’s also dethroned Andy Dalton as the best ginger to play the game. I hope his streak continues and he becomes the best ginger athlete of all time. The ginger community could really use this because Ed Sheeran is a baby back bitch. You know it. I know it.
3. Tom Brady 231.4 points. Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady.
Top 3 Rb’s:
1. Todd Gurley 238.4 points. I regret the day I traded him and will forever curse the day I clicked accept trade. I blame my mental health on that trade and not Nic. Going in I thought I was adding depth to my team. I was getting the Muscle Hamster, how could he disappoint? Gurley Has been great but he still can’t sell out a stadium.
2. Le’veon Bell 224.7 points. Very predictable. Bell always starts slow but heats up as the season goes on. I truly hope that he stays healthy and wealthy. I happen to own him in a few other leagues so...
3. Alvin Kamara 217.4 points. This one surprised me because he was the #4 Rb going into the season. He’s dethroned a legend and I think this time next year he will be the clear starter for the Saints. Sorry Ingram.
14. Jordan Howard 137.8 points scored.
69. Doug Martin. I was too lazy to scroll down and figure out what # he is but I’m sure he’s down there towards the bottom.
Top 3 WR’s
1. Antonio Brown 249.5 points. This guy... idk what to say about him that hasn’t already been said... he’s good. He’s open a lot, he catches all of the balls, he’s got dumb ol Ben throwing to him. That’s a recipe for success any week any matchup.
2. DeAndre Hopkins 223.4 points. He’s back and averaging a whopping 16.6 ppg. .. I think thats a bit low for the #2 WR but have no time to compare his stats to other players in previous years. He’s #2 on this list and in my heart.
3. Julio Jones 189.4 points. Aside from last week, I think Julio is underperforming this year. Could be the Super Bowl nerves or it could be an injury. I don’t own him so I don’t know. Jared, thoughts?
POWER RANKINGS!!!!!!!!!
9-3 12 Bar Bruisers. (Nic) I rank him above all others because his team is great and he’s doing a stellar job GM’ing his team. He traded Howard and Martin for Gurley with some sorry sap.
9-2-1 Dog Don’t mind. (Jared) Even though you have a better win percentage I rank you #2 because you need a new team name also you tied. Unacceptable.
8-4 Mixon Up Her Face (Yuriy) I keep waiting for you to come out with Sexual Abuse Allegations against Val but this year you’re doing the abusing. Good on you.
7-5 Stafford Turkey Hole. (Alex) Pick a name and stick with it and… WHY DON’T YOU DIE?!! Your team is fucked on paper but somehow you pull it off every week. I’m the Russians are somehow involved…
6-6 Dicksons Bells (Matt) It was this time last year that you started heating up thanks to a certain Redskins running back… Doesn’t look to be the same this year though… Pour one out for thompson.
6-6 Don Shons underdogs (Jake) Another name referencing a dog.. Another mediocre team.. Your 2 TE sets are the death of you but I like your determination.
5-7 Runs’n Throwses (Ory) I need some of that Recovery water! I think im the Tony Romo of this league. Pretty good and occasionally makes a huge mistake and always falls short. Maybe I can trade Wilson for 2 lesser Qb’s…
5-6-1 GreenBowl Packers (Val) You’re ranked below me because you tied. That's unacceptable. Товарищ, тебе нужно больше стараться. никогда не сдавайся. Россия нуждается тебе. Сука блят.
5-7 Duke Nukem (Andrew) You probably don’t deserve to be here but please understand that I could not put you above me or sandwich you in between 2 smelly slavs. So i'm doing you a favor.
4-8 Rip Lips (Oscar) Well.. At least you can snow Fish in Illinois? Your team seriously underperformed. Maybe take an early fishing trip and forget to set your lineup this week?
3-9 Run N Hyde (Daniel) You’re just unlucky. You have a solid team. I don’t know how you have the worst record. What did you do to Lady Luck?
4-8 Fresno Facecleaters (Chris) Your team reminds me of Charlie Brown being set up by Lucy. You drafted questionably but somehow you produced some results. In the end you kick your own face. At least you’re not the Browns..
Weekly Matchups.
Staffords Turkey Hole VS Runs’N Throwses 119 - 104 This Game was like the Thursday Night MAC showdown. Western Michigan VS Kent State. Two former MAC Powerhouses exchanging blows for 4 quarters. The MAC (Mid Atlantic Conference) Is like the plucky underdog of college football. It’s late and im tired and I know that this reference isn’t funny but neither is the MAC.
GreenBowl Packers VS Duke Nukem. 102 - 80. Another sexy score line. They say that the For reallz guys league is a copy cat league. Val started 2 TE’s in a homage to Jake. that proved to be the difference in this ugly game. In the end, Andrew could not keep his tight end shut and was reamed by Val.
Donseans Underdawgs Vs Mixon up Her face 130 - 153. The Matchup of the Master and the Grasshopper. Jake was kind enough to impart some of his draft day wisdom onto Yuriy who only used it to destroy the wise old saje.
Dog Don’t Mind VS Rip Lips 156 - 106. Jared is flying high after this win. Clinching the division and a playoff spot all thanks to Julio Jones’s monster game. Some luck. Oscar could not keep up with the joneses and was eliminated from the playoff picture.
Fresno Face Cleaters VS Run N Hyde 114 - 147. Daniel finally got a WIN! And charlie once again kicked himself in the face. Congrats on the win Daniel. See you in the consolation bracket, where the people's champion will be decided.
GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!
This one was submited by Yuriy who texted me:
Thanks for letting me do this Nic. Thanks to Yuriy for his contribution.
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