TOTALLY NON-BIASED REPORT CARD GRADES!
Yuriy Yedinak as GRONKEY KONG
Buoyed by a pretty nice RB group, Yuriy's team relies on a 31 year old formerly retired TE to bring the excitement. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if this group ends up a solid 7-6 and makes the playoffs to lose in round one. You might as well pick up T-Mobile if you're gonna rely on two Chargers catching passes from him.
Really, I can see a pathway to excellence here but it's gonna be almost 100% on your RBs having huge years. It's not like the WRs are bad, but their upside is limited to the point that they can provide a foundation but not a huge upside.
QB: C (Josh Allen)
RB: A- (Ekeler, Mixon, Conner, Bernard, Snell, Kelley)
WR: B (A. Rob, Keenan, Landry, Shepard, Kirk, Alshon)
TE: B (Gronk, Cook)
Average: B
Jake Yorke as DONJULIOS UNDERDOGS
Easily the best WR group in the league, I'd say it would be perfect if not for Mike Williams bringing you down. Anthony Miller is a great WR by the way, even if he does not work out this year. TE should be good for you as well, Mandrews was a beast last year and barring any health concerns he should continue that way. RB is where this team certainly breaks down and starts to look real nasty real quick. Let's take a look at you number one RB David Johnson. This gif is from last year:
He looks slower than he did when he was truly elite, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe BoB and the Texans will run him till he pukes. James White was good, I heard you say that he has always performed for you. I think that was true, but what's the difference? What happened that has everyone doubting? Oh yeah he lost this guy:
He did gain this guy though:
Could work out I guess. Breida is the king of extending small injuries to the point where he loses value. So many times you'll see him hurt his ankle and instead of resting to make it better he proceeds to play awfully, keep himself hurting, and rid himself of value. Latavius could be awesome if Kamara goes down, but my guess is he'll hit the wire before that happens and then Yuriy will snipe him. Duke is not worth talking about. The QBs are not exciting but fine, like Chinese food from a strip mall, it's not gonna be good but it also won't be too bad.
QB: C+ (Matty Ice, Jimmy G)
RB: C- (David Johnson, White, Breida, Latavius, Duke)
WR: A+ (Godwin, Thomas, Metcalf, Edelman, Mike Williams, Ant Miller)
TE: B+ (Mandrews, Jonnu)
Average: B
Daniel Smith as MR RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD
In all seriousness, I hope everything is okay as I have heard that you've been evacuated from Lincoln City. As I'm sure most on the West Coast understand, fire season is absolutely nuts this year and I hope everything is okay.
Autodraft has had some good years in recent history, however it has some very obvious pitfalls. It would seem this team has run into one of the obvious pitfalls and it has autodrafted you 3 QBs that you likely don't want to drop. You're gonna see my QB ranking below and get mad, but do understand there is no reason to have 3 QBs on your roster. Dropping one of them will make your team better. Outside of CEH (I'm not typing that full name) your RBs are super unsexy. Bell was once the top of the class and he's been relegated to Jets hell, Fournette is now on Tompa Bay (no spelling errors) and he might be behind Ronald Jones. Side note, Fournette has one of my favorite tweets from a player:
Hopkins is a pretty good WR and he goes to a system that likely won't increase his value (how could it really?) but shouldn't decrease it much. Parker had a mini breakout that could get better with Tua, and Perriman damn well won me a championship (outside of Slayton beating you of course). I forgot who Campbell was after writing this and I think that sums him up. Mecole feels like a desperate attempt for a Chiefs stack. Ertz is a sold TE, and Philly still doesn't really have WRs so that seems like a good bet, but please don't go for his team name puns they are all terrible.
QB: B- (Mahomes, Brees, Roethlisberger)
RB: B (CEH, Bell, Fournette, Dobbins, Roq)
WR: C+ (Campbell, Hopkins, Parker, Mecole, Breshad Perriman)
TE: B+ (Ertz, Ebron)
Average: B-
Chris Cone as CALIFORNIA HOTFIRES
From what I can gather there was a strong argument to take Zeke at two overall. There always kinda seems to be each year. This year he has a new head coach in Mike McCarthy which is getting people hyped. Now I have a different experience with Mike McCarthy. I remember him taking Eddie Lacy and only using him 50% of the time even though he was clearly the better back. I remember him deciding to keep Aaron Jones on the bench for most games despite him clearly being more talented (Ty Montgomery was the man there though). I remember Mike McCarthy always supporting good back but holding them back. Some say that's the reason he's no longer in Green Bay. I think the real reason is because he made a joke out of cheese:
Insults to horses aside, I don't have a huge amount of faith in D-mont, Rojo, JJ, or Devine so I think there's a serious lack of depth that exists here despite a gigantic number of players. Golladay and Sutton are pretty awesome. AJ Green could be a huge boon to your team providing he plays. AJ Green last year was involved in a trade that ended up being the most inconsequential trade in the league. AJ Green was traded for Antonio Brown and between the two of them only 1 game was played all season. Now he has Joe Burrow and the need for a new contract. You got the number 1 ranked TE, and you'll see that you only got a B+ in my book. Well, I'll tell you now that the Chiefs aren't repeating and Kelce is overrated. Fant too for that matter. Really you have too many players connected to this guy:
QB: B (Carson Wentz, Stafford)
RB: B (Zeke, Melvin Gordon, Montgomery, RoJo, Zack Moss, Justin Jackson, Devine Ozigbo)
WR: B+ (Golladay, Sutton, AJ Green, Preston Williams)
TE: B+ (Kelce, Fant)
Average: B
Gary Meyer as RIP LIPS
- Hilton has a bad year.
- Diggs is boom or bust with more bust than boom.
- Diontae finishes around WR24-28. Respectable.
- Slayton finishes WR 35-40, not terrible.
- Aiyuk only flashes after week 10.
- Cobb catches 2 tds week one and then disappears completely.
I see the strat with Hayden Hurst, always get the Falcons TE. I don't think he's as good as Hooper but if you were going to be named after any cool car, a hearse is a good one to be named after. Herndon will likely not play.
QB: A- (Wilson)
RB: A- (Henry, Sanders, Gurley, Pollard, Hyde, Dillon)
WR: B (Hilton, Diggs, Diontae, Slayton, Aiyuk, Cobb)
TE: C (Hurst, Herndon)
Average: B+
Alex Gomez as FOOTBALL CREAM
Your WR group is your clear path to victory, you got DJ Moore at a crazy good value, Tyreek Hill is an awful person, and the others should theoretically all be solid. I don't see a lot of upside in Gallup and Lamb, I think the amount of players in that receiving group will limit each other. I do think Crowder provides a nice floor, and McLaurin is just a cool player to own. Claypool shares a name with a bassist:
QB: A- (Murray)
RB: B- (Kamara, Gibson, Hines, McCoy)
WR: B+ (Moore, Hill, Ridley, McLaurin, Gallup, Crowder, Lamb, Claypool)
TE: C- (Gesicki, Irv Smith Jr)
Average: B-
Chris Pender as RLG Real Life Guys
You got Lamar Jackson, that's really cool. That's a whole lot of fun. Seriously get ready for some 40 burgers.
The WR corp here has two WRs that could be top 5 and at very worst should be serviceable. Past that there's not much. Sanders flashed but couldn't hold up ultimately. Anderson is on the Panthers who aren't exactly a prolific passing team. Lazard and Beasley could be okay, but nothing more than okay. Engram is a fantastic TE that just needs to stay healthy to be a top 5, so good there.
QB: A+ (Jackson, Baker)
RB: B- (Chubb, Singletary, Kerryon, Coleman, Sony Michel)
WR: B+ (Julio, Cooper Kupp, Sanders, Robby Anderson, Lazard, Cole Beasley)
TE: B (Engram, Doyle)
Average: B+
Orest Yaslinskiy as MUSTARD TIGERS
WRs on the other hand feel pretty deep. I like Chark a lot this season, Minshew should feed him. I think Juju may bounce back if Diontae is good. Mike Evans has Thomas Brady throwing to him, Tom Brady only being roughly double Evans' age. Samuel and Ruggs are good lottery tickets (I really really hope Ruggs works out).
QB: B+(Watson)
RB: B- (Saquan, Cohen, Swift, Mattison, Darrell Williams)
WR: B (Chark, Juju, Mike Evans, Curtis Samuel, Ruggs, Watkins)
TE: C (Henry, Hockules, Thomas)
Average: B-
Matthew Burke as MIXED THIELENS
I remember at some point being told that Robert Woods was a safe and consistent WR. Let me tell you, last year I had Robert Woods and I remember losing a few games where he scored almost nothing. I also remember his only TD for weeks being a rushing TD in a game where he had no catches. My point being I hope he's better for you. I'm not a fan of Amari Cooper and think he's a no good bum. I do like that you've recreated the starting WR corp for the 2016 Lions with Marvin Jones and Golden Tate on the same team. You've probably picked the best TE in the draft in Waller, so good on you. Good on you.
Dalvin Cook Hype!
Doesn't that look like some pro-gamers introduction? It does, and I chose that because I thought you would understand it best. You've got a lot to live up to with that 1st overall pick you know. It's a winning spot, and you've got a winning player in CMC. I think he's absolutely great, and everyone made jokes about having him slip to you in the draft. Join the church of CMC and enjoy yourself.
Turns out Davante Adams doesn't really have that many non-play gifs. For some reason that makes me think that he's super stable, I wonder why. Anyway, your team has that Rodgers and Adams stack that would have been coveted every year prior to this one, but you finally got it. Now every time Rodgers throws a TD pass to Adams (4 times this year) you'll get 12 points. Nice. 
With that Bon Iver shirt too. I wonder if he even knows what ∑∑ ∞∞ʇ ◊◊ 8 666 215 means. That took a lot longer than I care to admit.
QB: C (Dakota)
RB: B (Cook, Jones, Lindsay, Jamaal Williams, Boston Scott, Darrynton Evans)
WR: B (Marvin Jones, Woods, Cooper, Tate, Brown, DeSean)
TE: A (Waller, Goedert)
Average: B
Valeriy Shishkin as GREENBOWL PACKERS
So earlier in Jake's portion I wrote about James White. It turns out that all the pictures I used are actually on your team. So I'm going to post the two QBs you have, with the same intent but in slightly different pictures.
Or:
You've got a cast of characters. I'll be curious to see which one plays out better. You better hope Mostert or Taylor hits because your depth behind CMC is kinda atrocious. That's okay CMC will cover the points but an RB2 slot would be nice. The WRs are okay, the end of bench feels meaningless with Corey Davis. Thielen now does not have Diggs in Minnesota so there may be even more consistency from him, Boyd is unpopular but nice to have and Cooks has only had one bad season. I'm not convinced this is a super great group and for the amount of players in this corp I'd like to see some with a bit more upside. I could be wrong thought. You did get Kittle, even though you're a neutral fan you ended up with the crowd favorite. Make sure you trade him for a nice RB okay?
QB: C- (Brady, Newton)
RB: A- (CMC, Marlon Mack, Mostert, Jonathan Taylor)
WR: C+ (Thielen, Boyd, Cooks, Fitz, Jeudy, Steven Sims, MVS, Corey Davis)
TE: A (Kittle)
Average: B
Andrew Gomez as KHUNT AKERS
Your WRs are your strong point. Adams is a great pick, Fuller could go nuclear if he stays healthy, Lockett isn't always on but when he is it's great. N'Keal Harry could be the new Kelvin Benjamin, Justin Jefferson has two names that start with a J and Denzel Mims reminds me of Denzel Washington. Your RBs are different. Originally I thought they were the worst RB group but I think that title actually belongs to your brother or Jake. Your close though. Shoot it's literally Jordan Howard that separates you from the rest, and Brieda could give that edge to Jake.
I hope the Carson reach was worth it, I do like watching him play, but it's risky. Hooper was a gimme that also could potentially be awesome. He's better than Njoku for sure.
QB: C+ (Rodgers, Burrow)
RB: C (Carson, Akers, Hunt, Howard, Henderson)
WR: B+ (Fuller, Adams, Lockett, N'Keal, Justin Jefferson, Denzel Mims, Pittman)
TE: C+ (Hooper)
Average: C+
Nic Meyer as ULTIMATE SUCCESS TODAY (REIGNING CHAMP)
Current Champ says:
Pretty Great Really!
QB: A+ (Danny "Dimes" Jones)
RB: A+ (Josh "Jingle Heimer Smith" Jacobs, Kenyan "Kanye" Drake, Mark "Markie" Ingram II, Chase "There's no U" Edmonds, Chris "Shake 'n Bake" Thompson, Jerick "Million Dollar Man" McKinnon, James "Bye 4net" Robinson)
WR: A+ (Odell "ODB" Beckham "OBJ" Jr, Marquise "Hollywood" Brown, AJ "Bollywood" Brown, Deebo "CBo" Samuel, Bryan "The Lion" Edwards)
TE: A+ (Tyler "The Giant" Higbee, Blake "Dundee" Jarwin)
Average: A+
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So theres that. I like starting last in ESPN rankings because Matthew Barry saying you're bad likely means you're actually good. Someone do some homework for me, is there a website we can move to that allows history to carry over? I don't hate ESPN but they're makings strange decisions. Anyway, my following power rankings are definitely biased. But I'm giving myself number 1 as reigning champ.
POWER RANKINGS
- Nic Meyer
- Chris Pender
- Gary Meyer
- Yuriy Yedinak
- Chris Cone
- Jake Yorke
- Matt Burke
- Valeriy Shishkin
- Ory Yaslinskiy
- Alex Gomez
- D-Smith
- Andrew Gomez
I hope we have a good year! I would like to do buy-ins after the second week (just to know it's not cancelled). Since it's been an odd year I'll be flexible with it, if after the second week you cannot pay then please let me know. We'll work something out.
GOOD LUCK!
